SOUNDBYTES: Why have bells and whistles, when you can have hooters?
Laurent Louche, Gallic proprietor of Louche Multimedia, surveyed the throng around his tiny stand with satisfaction. Truly he was the hit of Milia, the annual festival of multimedia in Cannes.
?Zis ees truly ze greatest show on zis whole earth!? he told the press who had congregated around him. ?Not only do we zee zis day ze future of multimedia, but zere are hardly any Americans ere to spoil eet.?
On his stand, the popular hourly software demonstrations of his latest software titles had turned into a mini riot, because of the presence of Mimi, the star of his best seller, Saucy Schooldays: Your Guide to Basic Geometrical Curves. The disk caused a sensation by rewarding correct answers with a striptease from Mimi, the interactive maths teacher.
?Eet ees a ver French solution to a problem zat ees common to all of us: ow we kip ze teens in school to learn ow to do ze sums,? Louche added. ?Eet ees also a way to use ze leftover film from ze biggest seller ?Mimi Hot and Horny?.?
What were the essential ingredients of a best-selling multimedia title? ?Zere are three, and only three,? added the proprietor with a twirl of his moustache. ?And zis I ave found with no leetle experience.
?Ze first ees to ave good educational content, so zen ze parents zey will buy eet. Ze second ees to ave interactivity. You know, zere ees nul point to ave ze pretty girls like Mimi unless zey can be made to tek off zere clothes. Ze third ees to ave lots of, ow you say, ooters.?
Next door, at a sparsely populated Education Interactive stand, managing director Dr Frank Fitzdodgy was finding little interest in his rival product, The Proven and Reliable Fitzdodgy Method for Safe Learning in the Natural Sciences.
?I think I may have erred in my choice of title,? Dr Fitzdodgy mused, ?as I believe its literal translation takes up the entire cover of the French and German versions, which leaves no room for any pictures.
?That said, I don?t think an irresponsible attitude to cover photography like that displayed next door is necessarily a route to success. Multimedia doesn?t have to be about sex you know. We?re not all obsessed with Mr Louche?s breasts. Well, not his. That woman?s breasts. She?s a 38DD you know. Ridiculous. They?re not real. They can?t be. I know many very attractive female teachers and not a single one of them has breasts that size.?
Meanwhile at the panel session entitled, New Challenges For Pornography: How We Educate Europe?s Cybergeneration, Professor Max DeVloorshow of the University of Ghent said that the best way to engage the attention of adolescents was by offering interactive content on the internet sites that they access from school.
?Often we hear that the male Belgian children do not like to learn now, but we work with the American and Dutch Universities to seek a solution through stimulating the adolescent hormones. You say: Belgian sexy? No way! But our girls, wow, they like it hottest! Often you men of the press motor on information superhighway from Amsterdam to Hamburg for seeing chests you like, so why not stop off and see our loving Flemish HOETERS!?
The HOETERS (Harnessing Of Educational Technology Enhanced by Replicated Sexuality) programme is a joint effort to put the fun back into learning, said Professor Jack Truncheon of the Western Nevada College of Business and Physical Education, which carries the site in the US.
?It?s time to put some sexy silicon into multimedia,? he said. ?We have to make the kids really yearn to learn, if you get my drift.?
Professor DeVloorshow detailed the elements of the HOETERS Web site. ?We have all the girls of Belgium for your education,? he added. ?And all very smart, speaking on live video link in many languages, for which I think we are famous in our little country.
?We say: come to us you red-blooded men and let our clever ladies give lots of the warm Belgian hospitality to you.?
The program seemed designed solely to educate young males. But What about teaching women as well? ?Don?t get me wrong,? Professor Truncheon added. ?I love women. Hey, look at this honey for example. Professor DeVloorshow found her ? she?s an administrator at the European Parliament too. Yow! She?ll teach you a lesson you?ll never forget, heh heh! What was the question again??