Soundbytes: Support that?s absolutely Spiffing

Dear Mr Loser

Congratulations on having purchased a Pentium Rocket (tm) system from Spiffing Computer Supplies Ltd. Both of us ? I mean all of us ? at Spiffing are sure your system will give you years of trouble-free computing. However, if you have any technical queries, please call our Hot Line number (see paragraph 177 of your Simple Service Contract).

M Snoad, Support Manager, Spiffing Computer Supplies

Dear Mr Loser

Thank you for your fax. I was aware that Widget Weekly magazine is running a competition asking whether our support Hot Line is so called because: a) we talk a lot of hot air; b) customers get red hot hanging on for so long; or c) calls are charged at #1.50 a minute. Our solicitors have already issued writs to Widget Weekly.

I would like to reassure you that our support operatives are trained to the highest possible standards. We have an outsourcing arrangement with Spiffing (Offshore) Corp in Western Samoa to provide telephone support. The time difference enables us to provide support during the night, UK time (though unfortunately not during the day). It also helps people from the third world to learn English at first hand.

M Snoad, Scoffing Computer Supplies

Dear Mr Loser

Thank you for you fax. Unfortunately we were unable to read it ? perhaps there is a fault with your fax-modem? Could you resend it by other means?

M Snoad, Piffling Computer Supplies

Dear Mr Loser

Thank you for your letter. I am sorry your fax-modem is not working, and that your call to Spiffing (Offshore) Corp proved unsuccessful. You caught us on a bad day (or should I say night?), as 50 per cent of our staff was on compassionate leave, as his mother was sick.

None the less, what you were told is quite correct. Your fax-modem is a separate piece of equipment, not part of the Pentium Rocket (tm) system as supplied by Spiffing Computer Supplies, and so not covered by our warranty. The fact that it is installed inside the Pentium Rocket (tm) is neither here nor there, I?m afraid.

On a happier topic, you will be pleased to learn that our solicitors have reached an agreement with Widget Weekly guaranteeing us a substantial Christmas bonus ? I mean out-of-court settlement.

M Snoad, Pilfering Computer Supplies

Dear Mr Loser

Thank you for your beautifully legible fax. There, it was worth the wait wasn?t it? I am sorry you are now unable to log on to your internet account, but I am not sure that the modifications suggested by the modem technical support team are to blame ? as long as you had the soldering iron hot enough. Perhaps the fault is with your ISP, Spiffing (ISP) Ltd. Unfortunately, this is entirely separate from Spiffing Computer Supplies, so we cannot help you on that one. Internet support is usually provided by email, although I appreciate that will be difficult if you cannot log on. Perhaps you should telephone Spiffing (Offshore) Corp?

M Snoad, Puffing Computer Supplies

Dear Mr Loser

Yes, I did receive your email. Might I remind you that the laws of obscenity and profanity apply just as much to electronic communications as to conventional media, and ask you to moderate your language?

I am sorry your CD-Rom caddy has stopped working. I understand that your mother-in-law wants her copy of The Joy of Sex back, but I advise against extracting it with a screwdriver, as this will invalidate your three-year warranty with Spiffing (Maintenance) Ltd. Unfortunately, your CD-Rom drive is a separate piece of equipment, not part of your Pentium Rocket (tm) system, so I suggest you contact the drive supplier.

M Snoad, Spluttering Computer Supplies

Dear Mr Loser

I am sorry I was unable to meet you in person when you called this morning, but the other directors and I were in a meeting with the receivers. Unfortunately the Pentium Rocket (tm) system which we supplied to our solicitors suffered some teething problems, and the bastards ? I mean solicitors ? are suing us for all we?ve got. You may have read about it in Widget Weekly magazine.

The remains of your system, which you left in our flower bed, have been impounded by the receivers. From your comments to our receptionist, I gather that you may not be altogether sorry about this.

M Snoad, Sinking Computer Supplies