Lost in translation
Tim Phillips reports
We had put an iron in the fire but the door was always open for anyone to climb on board. There was a lot of sabre rattling.
Jeremy Gittens, Microsoft Announcer: Thank you ladies and gentlemen. As a European subsidiary, we're very pleased to see resellers here from all over the Continent today for our annual open day. This year is marked by the visit of our VP of marketing, Mr David Bung, who is here to tell us his vision of the future of Europa-Tech Industries. Before we begin, I would like to add that Mr Bung will be speaking in English, so those of you who would like a translation service should hold the little toothbrush-shaped thing, the one that you sat on when you came in, to your ear.
(No one moves.) Announcer (gesturing): I said, toothbrush...ear.
(Mumbling from audience, shrugs.) Announcer: LA BROSSE AU DENTS A LA EAR! PUTTEZ TOOTHBRUSHOV LUGHOLINI! HELLO!!
Now to the main business of our presentation, I'm sure you will give a warm round of applause to Mr Bung who will tell you exactly why we are so confident that Europa-Tech will continue to prosper in Europe.
(Music: the first five-and-a-half bars of Emerson Lake and Palmer's version of Fanfare for the Common Man. Music ceases abruptly. Lights go up on a podium, where a man in a suit is standing. Long silence.) Bung: Thank you for that generous welcome. Despite being based in Europe, we are 'can do' people here at Europa-Tech, so may I ask you to save the rest of your applause until the end, because I have a lot of slides to show you.
In the past we have been accused of lagging behind our American partners in our marketing and company vision. I think what you see here today will convince you that Europe is now catching up with the States in every way.
As you can see, here at Europa-Tech we are ruthless in targeting our customers. While many of our competitors spread their resources too Diagram: Core competency thinly trying to sell to everyone covered by this diagram, we are concentrating only on the portions that are shaded. So if your customer is small to medium, medium to large or even small to large, we can service that market.
(Audience starts tapping and shaking the toothbrush things.) I know what you are thinking: how do we serve the customer in the middle - the organisation that is small, medium and large? And why has no one thought of this before?
It's one thing to define your markets, and another to market your definitions. There has been a lot of debate recently about client/server and what is the best channel model to fulfil our very real obligations in this brave new world. I hesitate to use the word 'paradigm' or the phrase 'information superhighway', but here's our view of where we are heading.
(Members of the audience start gesturing and talking to each other) I'm sure that we shall be able to provide translations of the chart if the technical terms we are using are bothering you.
Diagram: Paradigm In short, it's aschematic channel model representing our model channel scheme.
Finally, before we go to lunch, let me say that I'm a great believer in accurate statistics. If you are prepared to indulge me, I'd like to show you some of the numbers that we believe are particularly interesting.
I believe that today we are in an interesting position in relation to this graph. You are all very much in front of it, and I'm pleased to say that we are all facing the same way. I am perhaps Diagram: Information superhighway closer to this situation than you are, but I can say with confidence that in America, they are literally thousands of miles away from it. I can confidently state that all our competitors are outside the loop.
Reseller: Scuze! Where eez ze loop? I see only two leetle lines. And you not facing ze same way as me because I luke at you here and you luke at me.
Bung: Good question. Perhaps this will help.
Diagram: Trends As you can see there is a strong link between sales and success, margin and manufacturing. We know how to get to the meat and potatoes, and this is the reason why: we can separate the sheep from the goats, cross our 'i's and dot our 't's before dipping our toe in the fire, because we don't want to reinvent the wheel here.
Otherwise you'll be up the spout without a paddle and rest assured, we won't leave you dangling. So I'm sure you'll agree, anything the yanks can do, we can do better.
(Long pause. One translator begins to sob.) Sorry. Do we have the slide upside down?