PCSQUEALER - CHANNEL TALK
JUST LIKE AN @ OUT OF HELL
PC Squealer has been oinking with confusion over the Dixons Group's choice of name for its latest venture, a games and software store christened @Jakarta. When our piggy little ears picked up on the name, there was a furrowing of brows as to what it suggested. Could it be the Far East, email addresses, a financial crisis or coffee? Maybe you should run outside and shout 'Jakarta' at the top of your lungs just to see the reaction.
People might think you're a loon but you won't be trampled by kids grasping bunches of tenners, eager for the latest Nintendo game. So why did Dixons choose the name? Brace yourself - the rumour is that Dixons Group paid advertising gurus the Saatchis #500,000 to come up with this gem of corporate branding. And can't you just imagine the smooth, sophisticated executives gearing up for an intense brainstorming session ...
Saatchi Exec 1: Hmmm - it's a game shop innit? Computers, eh? Whaddya know about that then?
Saatchi Exec 2: I did hear of some high falutin' techie wotsit called Java. Can we call it that?
Saatchi Exec 1: Na, better not, my bruv's got some thingummy called Encarta.
How about EnJava ... no,no,no, wait - Ja Enca. Hmm ...
(2 hours later)
Saatchi Exec 2: Of course! @Jakarta! Naturally, it was there all the time. Another half million well earned, eh?
Isn't it odd, then, that after just six pints in the pub, PC Squealer was able to come up with a much snappier and more apt name - @More@money@than@sense.
COM AND HAVE A GO ...
PC Squealer would just love to be in 3Com chief executive Eric Benhamou's shoes because life must be an absolute dream for him at the moment. First of all, the vendor has had a rum old time in the UK, what with lots of staff leaving or being made redundant. And second, Eric insisted that as he wouldn't be in the UK, an interview would have to be done via video conferencing. How embarrassing, then, that halfway through the interview, the video conferencing gear began to pack up. But not as embarrassing as Yuri Pasea, who you'll remember was caught in the nude. Our source insisted he had no idea why Eric's video conference went wrong, but PC Squealer is sure that if the interview was done via 3Com technology, it had nothing to do with that.
FROM DAWN TIL DESK
A recent after office hours story has reached the delicate ears of PC Squealer. We apologise in advance if we offend any of our readers, but the following story does contain some strong language.
It would appear that two staff recently decided to engage in some extra-curricular activities in the office. Apparently, this can be more commonly known as desking - you know, when two people get a little bit too close to each other on the office furniture. But the couple in question were evidently not too discreet with their exploits and their big boss found out. Instead of reprimanding the staff, all he could say was: 'At least it didn't happen during work time.' Never mind the fact that the desking shouldn't really have happened.
MICROSOFT MIS-READS THE PSIONS
Oh, for the day that Microsoft CEO Bill Gates finds it difficult to sleep at night due to fear of competition. Well, praise be to Allah, as this day may finally be upon us. Microsoft's chief executive has finally identified a bona fide threat to his company's monolithic control over the industry.
In a memo entitled The Era Ahead, the UK's own Psion was named by Bill as the company most likely to challenge Microsoft's hegemony during the next five years.
Citing the recent alliance between Psion and the world's three leading cellular phone vendors, Gates moaned that Microsoft's penetration into the consumer electronic devices market could be severely marginalised, leading to a knock-on effect throughout the rest of its operations. What a shame that only one word springs to mind when reading this memo. It begins with a, ends in e and rhymes with farce. The chances of David Potter's innovative but relatively teeny British firm, with a market cap of #260 million, booting the enormous Microsoft into touch is pure fantasy. Apparently, the memo was 'leaked' by Microsoft, accidentally on purpose, to selected US press representatives. PC Squealer might be cynical, but isn't this just another vain attempt by Gates to persuade the world that Microsoft isn't really operating the most complete monopoly in the history of the industry? Who do you think you're kidding, Mr Gates?
Meanwhile, talking about Gates, it has emerged that his tax bills are the largest in the US. Estimates show that Gates and Paul Allen are going to pay #600 million a year. Our heart bleeds for them both.
WOULD YOU LIKE GARLIC BREAD WITH YOUR COMPUTER?
If you read The Daily Telegraph recently, you will have seen the great words of wisdom from David Philips, chairman of Northamber. Now, most people compare the IT industry to the car industry, but not our Dave.
He has likened channel assembly to the pizza business. As the paper stated: 'The maker supplies the parts and we assemble the machines to the customer's order - does the outlet want extra pepperoni, a double helping of mozzarella but no tomato perhaps?'
Nice analogy, David, but can you earn better margins out of selling pizzas than you can out of PCs?
JUDD ME NOT ON MY TEAM
Now you might have thought the reason why Nigel Judd, former marketing guru at Ingram Micro, joined Computer 2000 is because he wanted to work for the UK's number one distributor. (Just for the record, Nigel used to say this to us when he worked at Ingram as well. Well, Nigel only took the position at C2000 because George Graham snatched Nige's dream job at Tottenham Football Club. Being a life-long Totters fan didn't make any difference at all to Sugar's decision. However, Nigel, we would like to point out that we think you are better off with Computer 2000, because your future there is far safer than Tottenham's place in the Premiership.