Dave The Dealer

More strategic business contracts

Bread and butter

I’ve decided to ‘encourage’ my employees to try for more strategic business contracts. One of our competitors – Anglia Business Solutions – now has a never-ending supply of muffins and cakes, after completing a business management implementation for The Fabulous Bakin’ Boys. If I can get business secured with a good sandwich supplier, a decent bakery and even a good brewery, I shall be set for life. Shirl said that ideally she wants to net a chocolate manufacturer – but judging by the size of her hips – it would be better if we didn’t. I can only get office chairs so big.

Sicknote

Dave Jnr has always been a cocky little blighter, but no more so than when he discovered that video games can actually be good for your health. Boffins at a northen UK university said that computer games could help speed up recovery from illnesses by improving bodily functions, such as limb movement. I told Dave that the only illness he had was ‘lazygititus’ and a swift kick up the backside would put pay to that.

Pizza Face

A well-known pizza company has experienced a big increase in sales and attributed much of it to online sales. So because Her Indoors cooks dinner for me every night and I never eat it (mostly because it’s so awful), I have decided to resell them over the internet. Hot or cold they still taste the same – absolutely vile. However, there is a great market for gourmet dog food out there at the moment and I know that I am on the verge of tapping into it. I’ll even throw the plates in for free.

Financial management

The inability of Her Indoors to manage money has finally paid off and forced her to lose a few pounds in the process. I have rather cleverly installed a new device in her car. It means that if she doesn’t keep up the repayments her car can be remotely immobilised. It is working wonders. I have already lost count of the amount of times that she has had to walk back from bingo, still carrying a bag of cold chips, a saveloy and a pickled egg. More importantly, it has stopped her wasting money on so many handbags and shoes, which is a bonus.