Dave the Dealer
New technologies
Taking the slack
There will be no more slacking from Shirl and Trev thanks to a new piece of technology by Cass Business School that judges how workers are performing. If they are underperforming they are rooted out and given their marching orders. I’ve told the pair of them that I’ve had the software installed on the Dodgi system. If only I could convince them that they should be happy to work for below the minimum wage and no holiday entitlement, my life would be a lot easier.
Biker chic
The Dog and Duck has always been plagued with a biker problem. Until now, Hell’s Angels wannabes sat outside on their Harley Davidsons drinking whisky, smoking cigarettes and looking menacing. But they have suddenly become quieter after the bike manufacturer fitted iPod connections to its latest models. Terry the barman asked me to show the bikers how to use the technology. So, if I play it right, I might be able to convince them that they need to invest in new computers for the iPods to actually work.
Nuts and volts
A Belgian electricity company has had to reimburse a number of people after a power surge ruined dozens of home appliances. Apparently, in the eastern town of Turnhout, the company accidentally raised power levels to 380 volts around instead of the normal 220.
Smoke was coming out of people’s phones, fax machines and video recorders. Happily it didn’t happen in the UK – Dave Jnr would have gone mental if anything happened to his Xbox. And god only knows what Her Indoors would have done if Eastenders was interrupted by a power surge!
Dodgi changes
After years of lacklustre service, Trev has finally decided he is going to spread his wings away from the Dodgi nest. Last month he started rapping about Java, computers and voice over IP, with his Geeksta rap, and now he’s taken a job with a ringtone company to record mobile phone rap songs. He’ll only earn one per cent of each sale, so he plans to work a few days a month at a rival downmarket reseller. However, when I did an office collection for him to buy him a farewell gift, all that came back was a 2p coin and an old button. Lucky for Trev he likes penny chews.