CHANNEL TALK - PC SQUEALER
PRIDE BEFORE A FALL
Remember that time when you opened your PC Squealer only to be confronted with the sick-making sight of RBR's joint managing director Rory Sweet and his mates posing with just a Cisco router to cover their modesty?
PC Squealer hasn't been able to touch a bacon sandwich since. Anyway, no matter how cool Rory might think he is, PC Squealer knows better - during a recent telephone call, the man managed to fall off his chair while wittering on about which car he fancied buying. Talk about divine intervention.
ON A WING AND A PRAYER
God help you if have problems with your computer on a Sunday and it comes from the Baan group of companies. Or not, as the case may be because the white-haired man in the sky might be a tad too busy helping Jan Baan and the rest of the Dutch company's staff, as the deeply religious Baan and his brother Paul only recruit staff from within the Dutch Reformed Church, which exemplifies modesty and family values (so that rules you lot out).
The brothers Baan take all this to extremes and have refused to let their staff work on a Sunday. But never fear - help for each day of the week could be at hand as the fertile siblings Jan and Paul, who have 19 children between them, have begun negotiations with an Israel-based company to take over the helpline on Sunday - keeping all incarnations of the Christian God happy. Praise the Lord.
SITE FOR SORE EYES
PC Squealer has long suspected that the channel is full of pervs and now we have the proof. Whilst engaging in a run-of-the-mill chat with a contact, both parties decided to check out the share price of a particular company. Your intrepid reporter had no trouble accessing the site for that up-to-the-minute 'let's see which company is going down the pan' Website. But not so for the contact who typed in .com instead of .co.uk and was treated to a delicious site where you can see a free Amsterdam sex show. Delightful. The contact said he had no idea how the darn thing got on his computer, which might sound like a bunch of old cobblers to 99 per cent of the population, but not to the ever trusting PC Squealer.
BLIND AMBITION
Witness, if you will, the last dregs being squeezed out of the cheapest marketing opportunity in the past four years. That's right, it's the World Cup and 3Com, bless it's little heart, which jumped on the bandwagon and gave away tickets for the final to its resellers who shifted the most kit. Not only that, but the lucky winners got the added bonus of attending the truly magnificent spectacle with none other than big bad Bob Bowden, marketing director of 3Com's client access division. Where 3Com's generosity ends, PC Squealer can only guess. One of the winners, Chris Campbell from Accurate, was so awestruck by the whole thing, he said: '3Com has enabled me to realise a lifelong ambition.' 3Com has also probably made a giant wad of money out of your blind devotion to the promise of a day out of the office.
SWEET NERD OF YOUTH
See this young sproglett here? He's probably got more qualifications then half the channel put together and he took Microsoft certified professional exams for fun. Oh dear. Huthaifah Fahmy is a mere 16 years of age, which makes him the youngest triple MCP NT4 in the whole wide world. When asked what on earth persuaded him to waste valuable time on Microsoft when he could be getting drunk on Merrydown cider with his mates and getting off with girls, Huthaifah said he wants to take an active interest in the computer industry at a young age. There's a snag though, as our Huthaifah looks far too young to go out and meet clients. Maybe he should grow himself a moustache like Roger Paul (see below). It does seem, however, this incarnation of Bill Gates really is a clever young thing. And since its Huthaifah's ambition to own a Mercedes S500 and his own flat by the age of 18, he would be a perfect addition to the mercenary, money-grabbing world of the channel. Any offers?
KEEP YOUR HAIR ON
Everyone goes through phases when they think they should start getting all healthy and looking after themselves. But Roger Paul, managing director of Landis, has taken all this a wee bit too far and has promised to shave off his beloved moustache. Roger said he's had his facial topiary since he was 15 years old. What a well developed young man he must have been.
And Roger even said he was going to lose a stone round his waist. Don't do it Roger - you're cuddly, you're hairy and best of all, you look like Swiss Toni from The Fast Show. The channel wouldn't want it any other way.
SICK AS A PARROT
Fear not, football fans - the World Cup will linger on, though not in the way that people might like. Some saddo has created a virus that was programmed to wipe computer hard drives on the day of the cup final. Not only this, but the virus actually toys with your emotions, asking questions such as: 'What is your favourite football team?' If users guess the wrong team then their hard drive is sent to that great delete bin in the sky.
According to a bloke from a computer shop, this virus has been created by someone who doesn't like football, but it could very well be from some poor sod who worked his socks off for a free ticket for the World Cup from 3Com but never got one. See what jealousy can do?
IMAGE PROBLEM
As hip 'n' groovy IT news hacks, our reputation for donning the right threads for the right occasions precedes us. We're the ones wearing a faded free T-shirt and jeans that haven't seen an iron since we left home several years ago, no matter what the event. But is this all about to change?
Strong evidence presented itself on a recent press trip to Lexmark's headquarters in Kentucky. Lexmark chief executive Paul Curlander was blissfully unaware of the clothing revolution happening among journos from Cool Britannia.
He stepped into the briefing room wearing an oh-so casual T-shirt with nylon slacks, only to be faced with a dozen journalists, every last one of them attired in freshly-pressed suit and tie. One-nil methinks.
FOOTING THE BILL
Believe it or not, there are some people in this world who really don't like Microsoft chairman Bill Gates one bit. Take American Adam Quinn Pletcher, who has just been thrown in the slammer for a 70-month period for posing as an Army trained assassin and sending numerous death threats to our beloved Bill. It turns out all he wanted was a measly $5 million from the man himself. And it's not as if Bill can't afford to splash out from time to time on a demented psycho.