Certain kinda people

Thumbs down this week to a certain PR firm that has a weekly technology news slot on a certain London radio station.

The presenter from the PR company was praising the virtues of a certain cordless mouse from a certain vendor. But don't be too surprised to learn that the PR company of this certain cordless mouse vendor was, of course, the same certain PR firm that presented the show. We won't be as tactful next time - you've been warned.

The old 'uns are the best

More fantastic proposals from Bull's report to encourage internet usage among oldies. This week, it's the implementation of internet-style cafes in residential care homes that afford the less mobile an opportunity to benefit from the cyber revolution. The suggestion throws up a striking image of a granny-lined room, all eagerly pecking away at their notebooks, ordering all manner of things online, from a blue rinse to meals on wheels, while slurping their cappuccinos. And purely as a reference for all young, thrusting channel execs to pass onto their follically-challenged elders and betters, some good age-aware websites are www.theoldie.co.uk, www.seniornet.org, www.arp.org.uk, and www.hairnet.org. It's totally with it, gran-daddio.

Psst! Pass it on

Some interesting survey results out this week for all statisticians.

A poll conducted on behalf of Elron Software found that 85 per cent of respondents indicated that they use their company's email for personal reasons during work hours. It also found that more than half of those surveyed receive adult-oriented, sexist, racist or otherwise inappropriate personal emails at the corporate desktop. Curiously though, the survey failed to inform us as to who was responsible for sending inappropriate email to the 50 per cent who received them. Surely not the 85 per cent who use email for personal reasons during work hours? No? It must be Mr Nobody again.

Cranks a million

The US media has been getting overly excited about the revelation that more than 11 million internet users are becoming so addicted, that it can be ranked, in terms of severity, alongside other addictions such as gambling or alcohol. As with other complaints in the US, it is classed as a real psychological disorder. But do the figures stand up to scrutiny?

The premise is that of the 1,700 surveyed, six per cent were judged to be addicted, which translates to about 11 million worldwide. Even before we start picking at the assumption that because 1,700 Americans log onto the ABC News website (and let's face it, no other nationality would), six per cent of the world's web users are in some way dysfunctional, it's worth looking at the questions the survey asked. Of the 10 questions in total, the one that received the highest affirmative response asked if the respondent used the internet as an escape. What don't people do today that's not a form of escape? If it's taken to its logical conclusion, then those who watch TV, go to the cinema, do exercise, go to the pub or do charity work, should contact their nearest shrink, ASAP.

Ee by gum, that's funny

By 'eck, thar don't half know 'ow t'enjoy thar sel' up North. Just look at the snap of this gang of jokers, taken at the 20th anniversary bash of Warrington IT consultancy Diskus. To mark the occasion, the company took its staff and their partners to the poshest venue in Blackpool - The Imperial Hotel - for a weekend of boozing, gambling and general mischief.

Roger Davis, founding director of Diskus, quipped: "It was a great idea for the party, given that one of my recollections when we started the business was, this might be a bit of a gamble but should be good fun." Arf, arf. Continuing the merriment, managing director Graeme Campbell said: "Every guest was given $20,000 in chips to play with, but unfortunately it was only monopoly money." With comic talent like this in plentiful supply, the pantomime industry should be safe for years.

Sick excuse

Forget about using a dodgy curry, the 24-hour flu or a migraine as an excuse to throw a sicky. Next time you go on an all-night bender, just blame IT for your absence from work the following day - because technology can now officially cause sickness. A Norwich Union Healthcare study has found that technology-related illness is on the rise in the UK, with a large number of personnel directors expecting a big rise in the number of workers diagnosed with repetitive strain injury (RSI), stress, bad backs and eye strain. Therefore, we suggest that a workplace ban on accessing adult websites should bring down the number of absentees.

Thick as thieves

Police are appealing to resellers to be on the lookout for suspicious individuals trying to sell Compaq Armada notebooks, after last week's dramatic armed hijack of a lorry carrying £1m of Compaq kit. But they may be better advised to keep an eye out for suspicious-looking types banging their heads against a wall, because it's unlikely the thieves will be too pleased with their haul of 1,440 unusable base units. The stolen parts were on their way to the Scottish factory of Inventec for final assembly. Dealers should therefore watch out for calls from somebody wanting to buy 1,440 hard drives and keyboards. A side effect of the heist was that it forced the vendor to admit that its laptops are built by a Taiwanese third party, Inventec - a fact the company had always been at pains to conceal.

Going, going, gone

Every reseller knows that technical staff like nothing better than to moan about how they could be getting twice as much elsewhere, no doubt waving a job advert promising £100,000 a year for database support or whatever. Well, now disgruntled techies can gauge their market value by following the example of an entire company of enterprising technical staff in San Jose, who successfully auctioned themselves through online auctioneer eBay. The internet revolution continues.

Herr rumpus

The display of unity between the joint presidents

at the launch of newly formed Fujitsu Siemens Computers was seriously emphasised, following press speculation that there was a rift between Fujitsu's Winfried Hoffman and Siemens' Robert Hoog. Last week, Hoffman apparently threatened to quit unless he was made chief executive, and despite the overly enthusiastic handshakes, back slapping and general brown nosing between the two, it was obvious who wore the lederhosen in the relationship. And as the company logo was unveiled, Hoffman made the Freudian slip: "There you have it, Fujitsu Computers ... errr ... Fujitsu Siemens Computers."