‘I want to be judged on my ability, not my sexuality’

CRN catches up with GTIA’s UKI community manager Alicia Shepherd for an eye-opening conversation as part of our DEI in Action series

“Don’t ever go to the toilet at the same time as me.”

This was a next-day comment made to Alicia Shepherd by a woman colleague 30-years ago when she mentioned her girlfriend at a company social event.

“I remember it so clearly. We had gone bowling in Basingstoke and I had had enough of hiding my sexuality in front of my colleagues, so I just said ‘my girlfriend’ during a conversation,” she explains.

“The next morning, the gossip factory had clearly been in motion and heads were turning. Then a female colleague came up to me and said that. I was shocked.”

But that was 30 years ago, and surely things are better now? Not in Shepherd’s experience.

She explained that gay women, particularly women of a certain age, still feel they have to hide their sexuality, even in this day and age, because they don’t want to be defined by their sexuality, and just want to be judged on their abilities.

Surprisingly one of the biggest issues seems to be around other heterosexual women accepting gay female colleagues.

“It seems that some women – not all - still feel threatened by a lesbian, whereas gay men don’t seem to have to hide it as much and are often more accepted in the workforce,” she said.

Other examples of unacceptable behaviour include a male colleague feeling it was appropriate to loudly out her sexuality every time a new person started in the office, and even more recently at a corporate event, it was deemed appropriate for someone to say that ‘if you come back to my hotel room tonight, I’ll sort you out’.

“I never feel I can or should say anything back to people, even now, so I just let them carry on when they make an inappropriate comment,” Shepherd says.

“Maybe it is because I’ve been conditioned over the years to be a people pleaser, and I’d rather my feelings be hurt than offend someone else.”

What is the solution?

“I wish there was an answer,” Shepherd says.

“But really everybody needs to embrace people for who they are. It is irrelevant what gender, what their sexuality is or the colour of their skin.

“Just ask ‘what can this person bring to my company that is currently missing?’

“Everybody can bring something different and that is the great thing about diversity.

“However, I have to say that not all companies get it wrong, and I have had some very positive experiences working at channel companies.”

One of the other problems, Shepherd said, is that many business owners or senior executives in the channel are of a similar demographic, and view some comments as harmless banter.

“We have to be very careful how we view banter,” Shepherd adds.

“What some might find amusing is not amusing or offensive to others, and likewise we need to be aware of alienating potential allies by overreacting to comments that genuinely weren’t meant to be offensive.

“I feel particularly encouraged by the next generations coming into the workforce because they seem quite happy to say who they are and stand up for themselves, but for things to really change will take about ten years as they filter through the ranks.

“It is the current generation of leaders and business owners that really need to think more about what they are saying before they make a particular comment.”