Dave the Dealer: A game of two VARs

Dave asks what's in a name, sympathises with Intel, and muses on sartorial elegance

The IT channel has been usurped by the world of football with the arrival of VARs - or video assistant referees - to the English domestic game this month.

This new breed of official, who made their debut in an FA cup tie between Crystal Palace and Brighton & Hove Albion, are threatening to cause chaos for Dodgi and other IT suppliers that have built successful businesses around the three-letter acronym.

Gordon from sales recently secured a hot lead with a local school, and was encouraged when the headmaster came to greet him ahead of the appointment.

However, his joy quickly turned to horror when he was whisked off to the football field, ordered to put on a bib, and handed a tablet to record and play back any controversial decisions by the on-field referee.

I can only imagine that resellers up and down the country are dismantling the VAR branding on their websites and premises, lest customers think they're in the business of refereeing, rather than reselling. Although having said that, sometimes I do feel like Mike Riley when trying to resolve disputes between sales and accounts.

The chips are down

Everyone struggles in their first week back at work after Christmas, but spare a thought for poor old Intel CEO Brian Krzanich, who probably wishes 2017 had never ended.

Krzanich was tossed straight into the deep end on his return to the office as Intel and other manufacturers were engulfed in the Spectre and Meltdown furore.

While they may sound like James Bond films, Spectre and Meltdown are in fact side-channel attacks against modern CPUs.

Not only is Intel facing multiple class-action lawsuits over the affair, I read that Krzanich himself was criticised for offloading ￡25m of stock before the flaws were made public. He now reportedly holds just 250,000 Intel shares - the bare minimum under his contract - although Intel has since stressed the offloads were part of a pre-arranged stock plan.

That sure beats my first week back at Dodgi, which mainly involved me playing solitaire, updating my contacts spreadsheet, and trying to organise returns of the floral shirts Her Indoors bought me for Christmas.

Naked ambition

Anyone the wrong side of 40 will remember the bad old days of the IT industry, when ruthless exhibitors used scantily clad promo girls to sell their wares at trade shows. I certainly remember those days… a little too often.

Thankfully, the Consumer Electronics Show cracked down on ‘booth babes' in 2013, so I was surprised and frankly a little bilious to learn of the presence of two ‘robo-strippers' at - or more accurately near - the Las Vegas event this year. The robot pole dancers, hired to entertain punters at the nearby Sapphire gentleman's club, were designed by London artist Gyles Walker and were made from mannequin parts, windscreen wipers and surveillance cameras. They even accept tips.

According to the Daily Mirror, the gyrating duo were designed as "an expression about surveillance, power and voyeurism", and will appeal to both men and women.

I think it's safe to say that, in reality, these aberrations will appeal only to the lowest form of males who are so drunk they can't distinguish between real and robotic forms - in other words, most of the Dodgi sales team.

Dress for success

I read the other day that IT staff spend more than ￡30,000 on clothes for work in the course of their careers.

Obviously reseller folk are known for their razor-sharp style, but even for us, 30 grand is a bit steep. If you know where to look, you can buy the finest (knock-off) Armani and Gucci suits for a very reasonable price. People have always pointed at me and given me looks in the street while I head to work in my finest threads.

The study says 32 per cent of IT workers feel like they've received unwanted comments about their appearance - and rightly so! I've tried to subtly drop a few hints here and there to my underlings so we can project Dodgi as the trendy and stylish place to work that it is. But, according to HR, telling Daniel from accounts that he "looks like he's been dressed by his Mum", or Deborah from marketing that she "looks like an extra from The Only Way is Essex", isn't considered "appropriate workplace behaviour".

Added to that, the study found that more than a fifth of IT workers have been told they look tired at work. Obviously their employers aren't motivating the workforce enough. I've always been proud of my ability to create an energetic and fast-paced environment at Dodgi. Sometimes my workers have commented on how quickly time flies by while they're working here. "I feel like I've aged 50 years since I started last week", I heard our new intern Steve say the other day. That's the kind of spirit I like to see from my workers.

■ Dave Diamond-Geezer, director of Digital Online Deals and Global Integration (Dodgi) of Dagenham Ltd