JAMES HARDING VIEW FROM THE VALLEY

Last week I gave you the 'drill down' on the latest jargon in Silicon Valley. The only term I did not explain was: he was sucking his own exhaust.

Fortunately, it is not as vulgar as it sounds. It means that someone is so full of themselves that they actually believe the smoke-filled rubbish in their own press releases.

Here's a joke. Bill Gates dies and God doesn't know whether to send him to heaven or hell - so he sends him to both, to see which he prefers.

(Even God hates Microsoft, but feels some kind of debt to Gates for his part in the computer revolution.)

In hell, Bill sees beautiful beaches, beautiful mountains and beautiful babes. 'If this is hell,' the astute Gates thinks, 'I can't wait to see heaven.' So he goes to heaven and observes the angels, harps and clouds.

Bill likes heaven, but not as much as hell. 'Funny how some people and places get stuck with a bad reputation,' he says to God, ironically. 'I'll choose hell.' 'Fine,' says God, and sends Bill to hell.

God visits hell a year later, after Gates has suffered horribly with torture, slavery, starvation and constant server crashes. Bill spies God and shouts: 'God! This place is, well, hellish! It's nowhere near as pervasive and attractive as the hell I visited before.' God replies: 'Hard cheese, Bill. That was the demo version.'

My bloody Valentine

My mother is an intelligent person - she has a degree, she is blessed with tons of common sense and, although she thinks the cats really understand what she says to them, she can even get a printer to reproduce a Lotus 1-2-3 spreadsheet without using physical force. But she recently admitted something to me about Valentine's Day.

She knows my dad is on AOL, so she emailed him a Valentine from work.

After sulking because he didn't mention it, she asked if he had checked his mail. 'Yes,' he said. Only a week later did she ask why he didn't like his email Valentine. 'I never got one,' he said. 'Well the email didn't bounce,' she said, 'and I sent it to [email protected]. If you didn't get it, who did?' I had to explain that not all email addresses follow the same format as my mum's. Proving that online technology has brought too much information to people - someone, somewhere, thinks my mum loves him and knows her pet name for my dad.

Style Council

Vendors beware - the United Nations of distribution has been formed.

Nine of the world's biggest distributors have formed the Global Technology Distribution Council, whose members include the chief executives or chairmen of CHS Electronics, Computer 2000, Electronic Resources, Ingram Micro, Merisel, Microage, Synnex, Tech Data and Tech Pacific. The group said it has formed, despite fierce competition between the companies, to represent the interests of the channel and promote the benefits of two-tier distribution.

I think the group is a good idea, but those who are left out of this 'global' group might not like it. Just imagine - David Phillips or James Wickes might develop weapons to destroy the ideas of the group, and the group might have to begin weapons inspections to stop them and then a distribution war could develop ...

Ameri-pest

Ameriquest continues to be the red wine stain on Computer 2000's stiff, white shirt. Recently, C2000's expensive foray into the US was claimed, in a press release, to have made a profit in its latest quarter. Unfortunately, the $95,000 profit includes income from interest and the sale of an Asian business, which contributed $275,000 to the company coffers.That means Ameriquest made a net loss of $180,000 and the only successful German invasions of America remain the Volkswagen Beetle, the wiener schnitzel and pop groups Yello and Kraftwerk.

Frozen money

A local bank has made a big splash about installing an ATM at the McMurdo research station in Antarctica. Assuming the machine withstands the cold and customers don't mind using it during the night - which lasts eight months - I can think of only one problem for the satellite-linked ATM.

How is it refilled?

No problem, the bank says. Since the McMurdo store is the only retail outlet within a few hundred miles, almost all the cash is used there and subsequently deposited back into the machine.

Great - recycled money.

He's got the whole world in his hands ...

When it comes to technology, I fit the early adopter category - because new gadgets are cool. Having said that, I'm not stupid. I invested in compact discs, but I didn't buy an expensive Laserdisc player - which you can now buy second-hand for peanuts. Cheap, unsalted peanuts, that is.

So far, I have only dabbled with an electronic personal organiser and I resisted the tempting Palm Pilot. In my opinion, technology has not progressed far enough to iron out their numerous drawbacks in one device - they are not small enough to carry in pockets, they are not compatible for backup and data sharing with desktop PCs, they get through batteries faster than kids on Boxing Day and they can't incorporate a phone.

I thought I would have to wait years for this all-encompassing organiser to come out, but the rapid progress of technology has proved me wrong. Last week in Silicon Valley, Motorola showed a prototype of its latest organiser, which does all the things on my list and even looks good - like a fat, gold business card holder. As Motorola's little gem will not launch in Japan until the autumn and in the US until next year, I will probably have enough time to save the outrageous amount of money it will cost when it arrives in Europe close to the Millennium.

James Harding is US Editor of VNU Newswire, based in San Francisco.

He can be reached at [email protected] or on 00 1 415 306 0879.