CHANNEL TALK - PCSQUEALER

For goodness Sykes

We were outraged when a pic of Boddingtons' babe and occasional Big Breakfast stand-in Melanie Sykes, modelling the latest Palm offering from 3Com, landed on PC Squealer's desk. As we're sure you'll agree, our Mel complements the PalmV perfectly. What you may not know is that the picture was taken at Dixons' Megastore in Marble Arch. That's just a 10-minute walk from our office. If we'd been invited, we could have sent a dedicated team of drooling reporters to cover the event as it happened. Then we could have discovered what Melanie really uses her Palm for.

Hands off our jumpers

Shadow Secretary of State for Trade and Industry and part-time Spock impersonator John Redwood issued a stern warning to the government and the nation's ISVs recently, when he suggested the entire UK software industry was under threat from the so-called banana trade war with the US. Speaking at the opening of networking company DCA's offices in Wokingham, Redwood said: 'There are lots of flourishing companies in Britain ... which are leaders in new technology areas. The last thing we want now is a trade war with America, which could spiral out of control and damage more of our businesses.'

OK, it's evident he had nothing interesting to say about the company because of his ignorance of the IT industry, which is forgiveable and not exactly rare among politicians. But what he said next led PC Squealer to wonder what they're putting in the gin at Conservative Central Office. The vague Vulcan continued: 'Pullovers are already at risk. Please don't threaten our software industry. I urge the government to use whatever influence it has in both Brussels and Washington to get the threat lifted.' The Americans may be boycotting cashmere sweaters, but since when did that automatically imply the next target would be software?

Sometimes, if you don't have anything interesting to say, it's better not to say anything.

Thin or just thick?

PC Squealer was rather befuddled following the arrival of a press release from Fujitsu, announcing the launch of its latest Plasmavision home cinema screen. At a depth of just 85cm, the flagship 4212 Plasmavision claimed to be the world's slimmest 42in plasma screen and half the thickness of previous models. But hang on - only 85cm deep? That's rather a lot for something that's supposed to hang effortlessly from any fixed point. We had to chortle when another release swiftly jumped out of the fax machine, advising that the correct depth was 8.5cm, not 85cm.

Bal-loony asylum

It seems Samsung Electronic has an inflated opinion of itself when it comes to laser printers.

At the launch of the four-strong ML7000 range of 8ppm to 16ppm laser printers, the company revealed it would be spending an incredible #8 million on marketing the series in the UK this year. Now, this may sound like pie in the sky to you, but to top it all, the Korean vendor revealed that one of its key marketing ploys was ... wait for it ... a hot air balloon. The balloon, which advertises the products, will appear at 26 balloon festivals and make 75 flights - weather permitting of course. Far be it for PC Squealer to suggest that Samsung's desire to claim the number two spot in the UK laser printer market is just a load of hot air, but in the present stormy economic climate, it could get blown off course. If that were to happen, we're sure that whoever thought the idea up would be labelled a basket case.

A nose for a good story

Following Tulip's scrape with the administrators last year, PC Squealer is glad to see the vendor get its sense of humour and 'charidee' back. Tulip and its resellers are to make a donation to Comic Relief for every Tulip PC sold during Red Nose Week.

However, there does seem to be a side to this corporate do-gooding that smacks a little of overkill. UK managing director Neal Grayston will apparently ensure that all Tulip staff 'will be wearing a red nose throughout the week' - all the time. That's a long time and it shows that Tulip is truly dedicated to the cause. It also leaves us wondering whether charity really does begin at Tulip, so PC Squealer would be most interested to learn of any other antics you channel scallies got up to in aid of Red Nose Day. So send in your entries now. You never know, we may even print a picture of you wearing your red nose.

What's the channel angle, Monica?

A couple of our roving reporters got ideas above their station when they decided to make tactical use of their lunch hour and go to Monica Lewinsky's book-signing session at an Oxford Street store. We were sure the UK channel would be most interested to hear the world's most talked-about woman's opinion on eroding margins, the direct threat and internet opportunities. Although our pair managed to get close enough for a handshake and quick pic, their particular line of questioning didn't get very far as they only had eight seconds with 'that woman'. The question 'Could you sign the book to PC Squealer?' was met by an outright refusal from a beefy Monica aide, leaving our hopeful hacks rather deflated.

The green green grass of Dome

Arsenal could well be playing their football in the most hi-tech stadium in the world come the next century. The Gunners are trying to find a new home after outgrowing Highbury and apparently they have found a suitable property which will become available not long after the turn of the century.

Forget other out-of-town super-stadiums that have sprung up in provincial towns all over the country over the last few years, the footie stadium of the next century can only be ... the Millennium Dome. According to reports, Arsenal are refusing to rule out the possibility of a move to the Dome and will be exploring possibilities in their bid to find a site. At present, the plan is to buy the site to build an 80,000-seater stadium but, PC Squealer thinks, why waste what will probably become one of the most famous landmarks in the country?

WIN A COPY OF MONICA'S BOOK

And as a special treat, PC Squealer is giving away the book to one of you lucky readers. The book has been signed by Monica herself and if you like, the entire PC Squealer team will add their scrawls as well. Just tell us what Monica is saying to Bill in the photograph. Send your answer, on a postcard, to PC Dealer Editorial, 32-34 Broadwick Street, London W1A 2HG or email us at [email protected].